


The Mostly-Secret Diary of Rick

by Augustus



Category: The Young Ones (TV 1982)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-18
Updated: 2006-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:09:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1633214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first few months in the share house.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mostly-Secret Diary of Rick

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Julad

 

 

_**Disclaimer:** The Young Ones are created and owned by Rik Mayall, Ben Elton and Lise Mayer. I'm merely a lowly fan playing in their sandbox.  
 **Credits:** "Wired For Sound" lyrics written by Alan Tarney  & Robertson (1981); performed by Cliff Richard. "Daffodils" poem written by William Wordsworth (1804)._

## August 24th, 1981 - afternoon

The house isn't too horrible, I suppose, although there's a nasty smell in the downstairs hall and a hole in the kitchen ceiling. I chose the bedroom right next to the bathroom, just in case.

Mummy and Daddy helped me move in. I didn't want them to - I hardly think Trotsky would've let his parents fuss about the state of the curtains - but Daddy threatened not to pay the rent after all. I'm sure he hugged me in front of Mike out of spite. Bastard.

Mike is my new housemate. He seems very nice. Mummy seemed to think so too. TheCoolPerson seems a _very_ odd surname to me, but he assures me that's what it is.

There's a spare room next to mine. I wonder if anyone will be moving into it. Ooh, perhaps it'll be a _girl_. Must remember to leave manly things lying about in the bathroom, just in case.

***

## August 24th, 1981 - evening

Mike showed me his birth certificate. It _does_ give his surname as "TheCoolPerson".

Am not entirely sure that biro counts, but hadn't the heart to say so.

***

## August 25th, 1981 - morning

Spent ten exciting minutes this morning thinking our new housemate _was_ a girl, but then he turned around. Stupid hippy.

He says his name is Astral Moonshadow, but Mike and I checked the tag on his bag and it's really Neil Pye. What a spasmo!

One more housemate to come, and a girlie at that, going by the letter that came in the mail this morning. Vyvyan. Such a lovely name. I imagine she'll be sweetly pretty, in the ♥ ♥ ♥ Felicity Kendal ♥ ♥ ♥ sort of way. Quiet and shy and _hopelessly_ in love with yours truly.

Cliff only knows where she'll fit, though. The hippy took the bedroom next to mine, which just leaves the box room with the nasty green stains all over the wall.

***

## August 27th, 1981 - morning

6:45 am - Bath  
7:15 am - Hair  
7:16 am - Spot Cream  
8:03 am - Deodorant  
8:04 am - Downstairs ready to greet my girlfriend-to-be!

***

## August 27th, 1981 - evening

It turns out that Vyvyan is _not_ a girlie's name after all. Woke up on the floor with a dreadful headache after politely suggesting that all Vyvyans should be in possession of breasts.

***

## August 28th, 1981 - evening

Neil has kindly swapped rooms with Vyvyan, given that Vyvyan didn't like the box room and Neil didn't like Vyvyan setting fire to his hair.

***

## August 30th, 1981 - afternoon

House Meeting

  1. Job Roster: 
    * Vyvyan: Plants and goldfish 
    * Neil: Cooking, cleaning, shopping 
    * Mike: Unable to work for religious reasons (didn't quite catch what they were) 
    * Rick: Vyvyan's personal slave (was unconscious when this was decided)
  2. Bathroom Roster: 
    * Neil: 6:30am - 6:35am 
    * Rick: 6:35am - 6:45am 
    * Mike: 6:45am - 11:45pm 
    * Vyvyan: 11:45pm - 6:30am
  3. Sundry Items: 
    * Mike does not have to do anything, ever 
    * Comments about the nature of Vyvyan's name are punishable by death 
    * All utilities to be split ~~four~~ three ways (religious reasons again) 
    * People with stupid long girlie hair must be mocked at all times 
    * The name "Astral Moonshadow" is henceforth forbidden 
    * These rules can be altered at any time, but only if your name begins with M (or V on Mondays and Wednesdays)



***

## August 30th, 1981 - evening

Tonight's Supper:

"Plants a la Goldfish"

Vyvyan's idea, of course. God I _hate_ him!

***

## September 5th, 1981 - afternoon

Housewarming party tonight. Neil and I are not invited, so I shall be staging a protest in the upstairs hallway in condemnation of this blatant misuse of communal property. The press has been notified and Neil has volunteered to set himself on fire as a metaphorical representation of... well, something or another. Have spent the afternoon making banners and writing protest poems to hand out to anyone wanting to use the lav.

***

## September 5th, 1981 - evening

Protest disbanded. Neil's clothes were too damp to catch alight and Vyvyan's friends all used my brilliant poetry as lavatory paper. I wouldn't have minded Vyvyan being sick all over the banners so much if I hadn't used my bed sheets to make them.

***

## September 17th, 1981 - afternoon

I was going through some books and I found the diary I used to write in when I was fourteen. I used to be _such_ a pathetic spasmo back then. I was so worried about whether or not I was popular, and whether Jenny Brown would let me touch her thingies, like she did with Hard Harry behind the bike sheds.

I've changed so much since then. If I could go back in time and talk to that younger me, I'd tell him that everything is going to turn out just fine. Everyone knows I'm the most popular person in the house, and besides, Jenny got herself knocked up at sixteen and now has three kids to three different fathers. You know, I think she's probably _done it_ and everything! Amazing!

~~I wonder if she~~

***

## September 28th, 1981 - evening

Lentils for dinner. Again.

***

## October 4th, 1981 - morning

First day of university! Don't want to be late!

***

## October 4th, 1981 - afternoon

Arrived three hours early for first lecture. By the time it started, I was so bored that I nodded off in the first minute. I don't think I missed anything important, though. Just due dates, assignments, what'll be on the exam and so forth.

Oh God. I'm going to fail!

***

## October 4th, 1981 - evening

Vyvyan has returned from his first day of classes, disgustingly drunk and carrying a skeleton. He says he 'found' it on the way home, but I find that _very_ hard to believe.

Mike apparently doesn't have to attend lectures, due to having 'special dispensation' from the Dean. He promised to show me the photos if I'm good.

***

## October 10th, 1981 - afternoon

_Oh Neil_  
Your stench is so unreal  
You smell like a banana peel  
Would it really hurt you so much to take a bath every once in a ~~while~~ wheel. (Ha! Brilliant!)

***

## October 14th, 1981 - morning

Emergency run to the shops for Sellotape and a bicycle pump. Mike's girlfriend has sprung a leak.

***

## October 19th, 1981 - afternoon

Neil has managed to lose SPG. How exactly someone manages to lose a large hamster cage while 'cleaning', I don't know, but the fact remains that SPG is gone and Vyvyan is due home any moment now.

I think I shall hide in the broom cupboard.

***

## October 19th, 1981 - evening

Who'd have thought Vyvyan capable of feeling a positive emotion towards another living creature? He seems quite upset about SPG being missing, although not too upset to threaten to dissect Neil with a chainsaw for losing him in the first place.

Am trying to decide whether or not to tell them that the cage is sitting on top of the fridge.

***

## October 23rd, 1981 - afternoon

_THATCHER!_  
Everyone knows that ya  
Eat small babies for breakfast  
And unions for afternoon tea  
You don't fool ME, Thatcher  
With your tyranny  
I just want to be free 

(Brilliant! Must send this one to The Guardian.)

***

## October 27th, 1981 - evening

You should've heard me at dinner today, diary! I told the most _brilliant_ joke! Vyvyan dropped a pea off his fork and I stood up and shouted, "Look out, everyone! Vyvyan just _peed_ on the table!" It was hilarious! The others were thoroughly impressed. Mike even looked at me for a moment.

Of course, then Vyvyan went and spoiled it all by _really_ going to the toilet on the table.

***

## October 30th, 1981 - morning

Four and a half inches.

Wait.

If I just stretch it out a little...

Four and three quarters!

Lordy, I think I've strained something.

***

## November 4th, 1981 - afternoon

Vyvyan stuck his tongue down my throat yesterday. Most peculiar. I've a giant bruise on my shoulder from where he held me against the wall.

It took me about ten minutes to push him off. ~~Not that I was trying very hard.~~ Not so terrible really, I suppose. All things considered.

Apparently he was "practicing" for a hot date last night. Funny, I don't remember him going out.

***

## November 10th, 1981 - afternoon

_I wandered lonely as a cloud_  
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,  
When all at once I saw a crowd,  
A host, of golden daffodils 

Sounds a bit familiar, actually. Best change a few words around before submitting it to the college paper.

_I wandered lonely as a cloud_  
That floats on high o'er Clapham Junction,  
When all at once I saw a crowd,  
They must've been going to a function 

Much better. Far less girlie that way too.

***

## November 16th, 1981 - evening

Vyvyan's birthday today. He set fire to the present I gave him. It's nice that he got some enjoyment out of it, but it does rather make a mockery of the hours I spent trying to find him the perfect gift.

Neil cooked a special birthday dinner. The lentil cake was a novel idea, even if it _did_ consist of a mound of overcooked lentils with a candle stuck in the middle.

I was _sure_ the tradition of birthday bashes was meant to involve the birthday boy being given the punches, but Vyvyan insists that he is forced to smash a table over Neil's head once for every year he's been alive. Oh well, who am I to argue with tradition? Better Neil than me.

***

## November 19th, 1981 - evening

I think I might go into class today.

Ha! I bet I had you going for a moment there, diary!

***

## November 25th, 1981 - morning

**The People's Poet: An Autobiography**

Chapter One:

I was born in 1962, ~~to Tory-voting but nonetheless loving parents~~ to poor, working class parents who lived in a rubbish dump on the outskirts of Worcester. In an amazing coincidence, this was the very year that Cliff Richard's _Summer Holiday_ was a box-office smash hit all over Britain. This was to be the first of many outstanding parallels between his holiness and myself, incorporating such things as our shared boyish good looks, phenomenal lyrical talent and blatant disregard for the laws of society.

I was exceedingly well-liked at school, with all the boys regularly gathering to spontaneously declare me the most popular student at ~~King's~~ the poverty stricken comprehensive up the road. This was the sign of things to come, as eventually I would go on to become the spokesperson for my generation.

(Good beginning, but will need to pad it out a little. Perhaps a few thousand words on the state of Britain in the early sixties under Macmillan and Home?)

***

## December 4th, 1981 - morning

Happy birthday to me!  
Happy birthday to me!  
Happy birthday to me-eee!  
Happy birthday to me!

Cards from Mummy and Daddy (must hide the cash from Vyvyan) and Gran (the book token should be safe - I'm not entirely sure Vyvyan can read). Nothing from the guys, but I have a funny feeling that they're planning a very special surprise party for me this evening, as none of them have said a _word_ to me all day. They must be really scared they'll let something slip.

I can smell Neil burning the lentils as usual. It's such a clever idea to pretend to be cooking supper as usual to put me off the scent.

***

## December 4th, 1981 - early evening

Supper as usual and now the others are watching repeats of the Good Life on telly. It must be going to be a late night party. How anarchic!

***

## December 4th, 1981 - later evening

Surely the party should've started by now...

***

## December 4th, 1981 - extremely late evening

Right, that's it. I'm jolly well going to go down there and give them a piece of my mind.

***

## December 8th, 1981 - afternoon

Just back from the hospital. The doctors say that the swelling will go down in a week or so and that I should be careful not to get myself hit over the head with a television again as it's likely to break the stitches. While I've passed on the message to Vyvyan, I think it might be wise to stay in bed for a few days, just in case.

Spent my book token on Cosmopolitan and Women's Weekly, so I've plenty of ~~wan~~ reading to be getting on with.

***

## December 16th, 1981 - afternoon

_Into the car go to work and I'm cruisin'._  
I never think that I'll blow all my fuses.  
Traffic flows, into the breakfast show.  
Oh oh oh woh woh woh 

Oh Cliff. It's as though you can see right into my soul.

***

## December 19th, 1981 - afternoon

Mummy and Daddy came to visit today. I met them outside Tesco, because I didn't want them to see the others. Mummy bought me a lovely new pair of dungarees and Daddy gave me ~~a bag full of Tory propaganda~~ some reading material for class.

Mummy wanted to come home with me and cook us all a "proper meal" but I managed to convince her that Vyvyan was busy studying for an anatomy exam and couldn't be disturbed. She sent me home with a huge bag of vegetables instead. I've no idea what we'll do with them. Even SPG turned his nose up at the thought of turnip stew.

***

## December 25th, 1981 - morning

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is just wonderful, don't you think? All that goodwill and peace on earth and love and

God, I'm already bored with the whole thing.

***

## December 25th, 1981 - afternoon

Mike's invited a _girl_ around for Christmas supper, so Neil and I had to move the kitchen table so that her seat was right under the mistletoe hanging from the parlour light.

I think I've pulled a muscle in my back. Some bloody Christmas _this_ is.

***

## December 25th, 1981 - late afternoon

You know, I'm not so sure that's mistletoe at all. It looks a lot like mould to me.

***

## December 25th, 1981 - evening

♥ ♥ ♥ i luv krismas ♥ ♥ ♥

hurrah for ~~shamp~~ ~~camp~~ booze!!!!!!

***

## December 26th, 1981 - morning

I _hate_ Boxing Day. It's nothing more than a celebration of the feeling of emptiness that overcomes you the moment you realise that you're full to overflowing with cheap turkey and Brussels sprouts and you don't like any of the crummy presents your so-called friends and family bought you from that shop on the High Street that always has scratchy toilet rolls and out of date crisps piled high on a trestle table out the front. And there's never anything to eat in the house apart from _more_ cheap turkey and slimy left-over Brussels sprouts, unless you can work out a way to get into the nuts your grandmother sent, seeing as the nutcracker that came with them broke the first time you used it. There's crumpled up Christmas paper everywhere and bits of torn up tinsel crushed into the carpet and you can't even remember what happened after Mike opened that Magnum of Champagne his girlie brought. You've a terrible feeling something might've happened under the mistletoe, though, because Neil's been looking at you strangely and giving Vyvyan pointed looks and it's all just far too horrid to contemplate.

Oh _God_. I think I'm going to be sick.

***

## December 26th, 1981 - afternoon

I'm never, ever going to touch alcohol again.

***

## December 31st, 1981 - afternoon

I feel like doing something exciting and anarchic tonight.

The Kebab and Calculator were advertising a live band. Might be worth a glance.

***

## December 31st, 1981 - evening

Came home early. I've better things to do with my evening than sit around watching Vyvyan snog some skinny girl with green stripes in her hair.

Think I might have an early night.

***

## January 1st, 1982 - morning

New Year's Resolutions

  1. Find Sociology text book. (Check Vyvyan's room.) 
  2. Meet nice girlie with massive ~~tits~~ capacity for intellectual thought. 
  3. Do not snog Vyvyan again under any circumstances. 
  4. Contemplate going to a lecture every once in a while. 
  5. ~~Clean lavatory~~ Buy air freshener. 
  6. Find out what that green stuff at the back of the fridge is and whether it's edible. 
  7. Receive OBE. (Not entirely anarchic, but Cliff has one so it must be okay.) 
  8. Buy new lock for bedroom door. 
  9. Lose virginity. 



***

## January 5th, 1982 - evening

HELLO. I AM A GIRLY VIRGIN WITH A SMALL PENIS.

VYVYAN IS MANLY AND CLEVER AND HUNG LIKE AN ELEPHANT.

SIGNED,  
RICK

***

## January 9th, 1982 - afternoon

Yes, well, I suppose that answers the question of why I haven't been able to find my diary all week.

Bastard.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. When Vyvyan found Neil's diary, he pinned photocopies of it all over Scumbag College, then set fire to the original.

Shit. Must check Sociology department first thing Monday.

***

## January 13th, 1982 - evening

Well that's just _lovely_ isn't. Let's all play gang-up-on-Rick. I don't see what's so special about Mike anyway. I'm far cooler than he is! Vyvyan should follow _me_ about like a homicidal puppy. ~~It's not fair.~~

_Mike, oh Mike_  
I wish you would take a hike (!)  
 _You really should get on your bike_ (Brilliant!)  
 _I don't believe you when you said that girl wouldn't go out with you because she was a ~~dyke~~_ (No! Sexist _and_ homophobic. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, as long as you're not attractive. Besides, it's too long.)  
 _I recommend you see a psych--  
\--ologist_ (Yes! Extending the boundaries of modern verse! Anarchy in rhyme!)

***

## January 15th, 1982 - afternoon

Wonder of wonders, Vyvyan has a girlfriend. It would seem the ~~bird~~ ~~chi~~ woman he was snogging on New Years is completely stupid as well as totally blind.

Mike appears to be having an existential crisis about the whole thing. He keeps walking into my bedroom and shouting, "But _I'm_ the one who gets the birds around here," then disappearing again. I wouldn't mind so much if he'd only think to knock first.

Really must buy that new lock.

***

## January 17th, 1982 - afternoon

Momentary panic this morning, when Neil announced that he had a new girlfriend too. All for nothing, in the end, as it turns out that he'd just stuck a wig on his guitar. What a spasmo! He could've at _least_ stuck legs on it.

***

## January 19th, 1982 - evening

I don't care what Vyvyan says. I'm _not_ jealous. I'd have to be mad to want ~~hi~~ an ugly girlie like her. Even without the green hair, she'd still be a right minger.

I wonder what _I'd_ look like with green hair.

***

## January 23rd, 1982 - afternoon

_Oh Vyvyan, Vyvyan  
You look like a ~~minivan?~~_

~~Bivian~~ ~~cyvian~~ ~~divian~~ ~~fivian~~ ~~givian~~ ~~hivian~~ ~~ivian~~ ~~jivian~~ ~~kivian~~ ~~livian~~ ~~mivian~~ ~~nivian~~ ~~pivian~~ ~~quivian~~ ~~rivian~~ ~~sivian~~ ~~tivian~~ ~~yivian~~ ~~zivian~~ NO NO NO NO NO!

How shall I ever become the world's greatest undiscovered poet if nothing rhymes with Vyvyan?

***

## January 24th, 1982 - evening

HA!

Vyvyan's girlie dumped him! He won't say why, just that he's going round to her place to blow up her car.

***

## January 29th, 1982 - morning

To Do List

  1. Return sociology books to college library. 
  2. Pay overdue book fine (use money Neil keeps hidden inside his guitar). 
  3. Buy new (non-sentient) socks. 
  4. Pinch Neil. 
  5. Watch telly. 
  6. Laugh at one of Mike's "jokes" (it makes him feel clever). 
  7. Sociology assignment? (only if really really bored) 



***

## February 4th, 1982 - evening

They're going to demolish the house! I shall be homeless! A vagrant! A cast-off from society!

...right on!

***

## February 4th, 1982 - late evening

O Cliff,

In your infinite wisdom, please grant us the blessing of a new house. Preferably one with a shower, because you know how disgusting the bath gets when Neil's been in there.

Better yet, how about my own place? Don't worry about the others. Just make room for me.

Okay, maybe Vyvyan. _If_ he promises not to burn all my textbooks again.

Thine be the power, the glory, and the Eurovision trophy.

Amen.

***

## February 4th, 1982 - later evening

Oh God, I'm going to die alone and on the streets and be eaten by large dogs and _no one will ever know or care_!

***

## February 4th, 1982 - extremely late evening

Mike knows a bloke who knows a bloke who knows someone who can probably get us a new house.

And I was _not_ crying, regardless of what Vyvyan says. I just had a really bad allergic reaction to SPG.

***

## February 4th, 1982 - ridiculously late evening

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I just had the most _brilliant_ idea. Wouldn't it be _amazing_ if I left this diary here for someone to discover underneath all the rubble in three thousand years time? They could hold classes at college about how the hip young people lived in the olden days, and put up statues in my honour. And all the girlies would weep and moan about how sad it was that I had died thousands of years before they were born, because otherwise they would've let me touch their boobies and maybe even let me do things to them. And once a year there would be a bank holiday in my honour, and everyone would take to the streets, waving banners with my face on them and reciting my poetry. Inspired!

I'll just stick this in the hole in my bedroom wall, and the next time anyone reads it, it'll be the year 4982!

***

## February 6th, 1982 - afternoon

MY NAME IS RICK AND I AM A PANSY WITH STUPID HAIR.

(OH, AND I WAS LYING ABOUT THE SNOGGING THING. EXCEPT THE BIT ABOUT LIKING IT, BECAUSE VYVYAN REALLY IS A BRILLIANT KISSER AND I DREAM ABOUT HIM EVERY NIGHT.)

RIGHT, THAT SHOULD DO IT. OFF TO EAT THE HOUSE.

~~VYV~~ XOX RICK.

****

~fin~

 

 

 


End file.
